Saturday, April 19, 2003

It seems no one reads this. Oh fucking well.

She claims to have quit (I haven't smoked in five days) - excellent...

would have probably asked her out today - her and other ppl were at my house, first we jammed for a while, but then we went to get food from a nearby friends, considering my dad has none. When we came back, the dog was gone and I was fucked. It was a dog of a friend of my dad's who my dad was keeping while the friend was away. We were supposed to always keep the gate closed. It wasn't, and the dog left. We searched the neighborhood for like an hour, and then said fuck it, i'm fucked. Saw SLC Punk (excellent movie, seen it b4) but my dad got home half way to i straight up told him the dog was gone. He is a quiet sort of angry, like me. We took the care and drove around the whole fucking town and the neighboring town for a good hour while my friends finished the movie. Fucking dog. As i returned, 3 of my friends (including her) left. Dad's like, no more alcohol from tommorow, get it out of my house. Me: fine, i accept the punishment i messed up. Me and the friend who we went to get food from (the one who stayed) then proceeded to watch Boys & Girls (chick flick... 2 guys watching a chick flick. sexy) and the second have of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (what the fuck?? excellent but deep beyond comprehension). Cleaned up. (3 am, half an hour ago) called a friend in another country, who first didn't pick up, and then picked up, and went beep beep beep in response to my hello? hello?. Right. I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to, so i'm using this as a medium and listening to dreamtheater (not loud enough tho, cuz dad's pissed and i'm not risking making it worse... maybe that's why i'm not enjoying it).

Anyway, I basically feel as if i have no one to turn to (which could be justified by the time. But i don't care.)

:'( (not really tho)

good bye, diary that no one reads.

Monday, April 14, 2003

Ok... conversation I had with her over msn today... (i actually saved it this time, here are the highlights)

Me: quit yet?
Her: actually yes....the process has begun

Her: yes....r u still mad
Me: kind of

Me: but i am happy about the new development
Her: good

i dunno... if she really quits i may ask her out... but what the fuck, only time will tell.
btw, i have begun to realize there's no one reading this. :( oh fucking well, i'll keep writing it anyway.

Sunday, April 13, 2003

btw... anyone read this shit?

write me @
Well I talked to her... and the good stuff:

Her: Smoking is a part of me, and i'm not changing for anyone but myself, although i plan to quit
Me: Let's assume it's me then.

Oh! and about last night...

The drug deal guy came by, and we watched half a movie on my comp.
(he left)
Then 4 other ppl came by, 2 freshies and 2 sophs like me.

we watched almost the entire talented mr ripley. at 100 min i was like fuck it, i'm the only one awake (3 am) good night guys (they fell asleep ont he couch)

half way 2 of em left btw... shortly after these 4 guys from the party knock on the door really loud and ask me if i stole shit from the party cuz someone did.

i was like fuck you, you woke my father (cuz they knocked so loud)
get the fuck out of my house (house is like 100m from party)

so that shit happened...

and then the convo with her.

i'm an idiot... that's the synopsys. I may be sexist against girls who smoke. sue me.
I'm so angry. Or dissapointed, whatever.

Basically I was going to be get with her... that night. Fuck! I can't believe how much this sucks! I can't believe this shit. This is such shit. I had been meaning to get with her for a while now, and my "friend" told me yesterday half kidding that I better fucking do it. And I fucking would have, if it wasn't for the smoking. FUCK SMOKING! I hate nikotine. I hate it. Never did it myself, and always found it disqusting. Promised my mom not to do it, and actually kept that. All my friends smoke, but fuck em. They are guys, I don't really have enough influence over them to stop them. So fuck that... But I actually GAVE A FUCK about her. How dissapointing is this? I tried as hard as I could to fucking stop her. Really hard. I told her i'd leave if she did. I WAS GOING TO ASK HER FUCKING OUT. Why'd she have to ruin it all? But it's more complicated. Like the two hours before she smoked at that party, I had like one "shot" of baileys, slowly, and decided not to drink. Alcohol, when drank excessively, fucks you up. I knew that, so I decided not to do it, which is kind of like me. But anyway, I was sitting there being a moody bitch about my own alcohol issues and her smoking, and my friend's got his drug deal gone wrong issues... And the fucking popularity who knows who circle to circle game, which I did "ok" at. I think. Anyway, a shitload of hot israely girls come in, and it looks like I know some of em. Which is good. I woulda fucking probably at least tried with them, but I was going to ask her out. Fuck, I'm always so full of shit I let opportunities pass me by because of some longshot like I'm GONNA ask someone out. Damn. Whatever... i'm an idiot. So... she lights up, apologises... I take my bag and walk off. It was gonna happen (or was I just looking for an excuse). So what the fuck now? I may go back later, or my drug deal friend may come by and we could hang... but either way, I'm just dissapointed. later.

The point is, fuck. I'm probably gonna go back to the party later with some other friends, but who knows.